You've GOT to be KIDDING me
by xSlytherclaWx
Summary: Oh, I bloody hate irony. Twilight, of all series? Damn. Unabashed self-insert
1. Prologue

I'm a Doctor Who fangirl. I'm absolutely unabashed in saying that. And, the truth is, even though Rose is a bit of a chavvy Sue, I like her. Not as much as Martha or Jack, because they're the most amazing companions ever. I want to steal Jack's coat. I'd very much like that coat. I randomly quote Doctor Who around my friends that have never watched it. A few of my friends adore the show too, so they _get_ the quotes, which isn't that fun. My favourite quote is "you know, you can fix that Chameleon Circuit if you just try hotwiring the fragment links and superseding the binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary (gasp)" even if Donna isn't my favourite companion. Also, when anyone says Captain Jack, my mind immediately goes to Captain Jack Harkness. Because he's amazing. I mean, yeah, Jack Sparrow's amazing, but Harkness is fantabulous and beats him. So, yeah, I've gotten confused in many Pirates of the Caribbean conversations.

I'm also a Harry Potter fanatic. Neville PWNs and Umbridge is epic fail. I called Umbridge having the locket, Regulus being R.A.B, Dobby dying, Remus dying, Tonks dying, Neville becoming a professor in the epilogue, and the Ministry falling. And I've decided that I have a Time Lord Patronus, which must look very awkward. I'd also definitely be a SLytherclaw. Well, Hogwarts is Home says I'm a Gryffindor, but when asked, none of my friends have said that. They've all either said Ravenclaw or Slytherin, and I have a score sheet, I use it to record people's votes and Sorting quiz scores, and right now, Ravenclaw's in the lead by two points. Slytherin's next, and Gryffindor's got ten less than those two, and Hufflepuff only _has_ two.

And I adore The Chronicles of Narnia. My seventh grade year was utter hell because of my… well, it really was an obsession… with it. Oh, seriously. They thought that I thought that I could get into Narnia. Even if I believed in it (I didn't and still don't rule out the possibility of worlds-between-worlds, but Narnia itself was allegorical and therefore more than likely doesn't exist and has never existed). Edmund's my favourite, because he's amazing, and Lucy's awesome, too. I _loved_ book Caspian, because he was epicness, and book Peter as well, but movie!Caspian and movie!Peter are failure. I love movie!Edmund almost as much as I love book!Edmund. Skandar Keynes is amazing. But I heard somewhere (several somewheres, actually) that he might be in _New Moon_.

I spazzed. I _love_ Skandar. But _**Twilight!?!?!**_ That's epic _**FAILURE.**_ I **hate** Twlight with the most burning passion I've ever mustered for anything fictional. Bella Swan is higher on my "Fictional Characters That Need a Very Painful, Torturing, Emotionally Breaking, Most Awful Thing You Can Imagine Death" list than Bella _Lestrange_. **Bella Swan is more evil, awful, and deserves to die more than BELLATRIX LESTRANGE. And Bellatrix **_**tortured Neville's Parents!**_ And I **love** Neville! So, yes. I hate Bella that much. She's little miss ultimate needs-to-die Mary Sue. And Edward is the freaking KING of Gary Stus. The only tolerable characters are Jasper and… yeah, just Jasper. No, I like Rosalie. She hated Bella. I like people that hate Bella. But Twilight vampires aren't even **vampires**_**.**_ They don't have fangs, they don't drink human blood (ew), they're pretty much made of stone, they're ATTRACTIVE, and… _**THEY FREAKING SPARKLE!**_

I'm going to say this many, many, many times, but, still: _**VAMPIRES DO NOT FREAKING SPARKLE!**_

Now, you're probably leaving this story, or plotting some flame, and I really don't care. Actually, a flame would tell me that I'm doing my job properly.

Twilight is the worst excuse for literature that I've ever read. And yes, **I have read **_**Twilight**_. I **hated** (ZOMG!!) Twilight. I bought the books, for five dollars for all four. Guess where they currently are in my bookshelf? **Between **_**the Spine Chilling Book of Horror**_** and **_**The Most Notorious Crimes in American History. **_Why? Because it's got to be a crime to write something _that_ bad. And the books _are_ horrific. Because… something that badly written, with characters like THAT…? I've read many, many books. I've over one hundred, and I'm a regular at my local library. I'd rather go to a bookstore than most other places in the mall (Starbucks and Hot Topic excluded… unless Hot Topic is crowded with Twilight crap). I read **a lot**. Twilight is utter garbage, and I wanted to kill my poor brain (and Bella Swan) after reading the first book. I only got two hundred pages into the second. And, yes, I had read them before. The first three. They were still badly written, what was it? Two years ago? Had to have been.

_**I hate Twilight.**_

_Edward Cullen is an idiot._ He said that vegetarians crave meat. What does he know? He's never been a real vegetarian, I _am_ a real vegetarian. I've been for four years, and haven't craved meat for three years and ten months, thank you, Mister Cullen. The mere mention, sight, or smell of meat makes me want to vomit, because it's decaying animal flesh. I could go on several tirades about that, but I won't. Because the point I had to make (Edward being an idiot) has already been made. Plus, _Robert Pattinson was way better looking as Cedric. _Before he sparkled like some freak. (Oh, yeah, and he actually HATES Edward.)

And now almost every hardcore Twilight fan who started this really _has_ left or is flaming this instant. And that makes me pleased.

**I'd laugh if Bella Swan fell on her face in front of me. Then I'd kick her.**

I am just about as anti-Twilight as anyone can get, and _no one_ gets me started on Twilight if they can help it.

You lot probably think that I'm kidding, or exaggerating. No. I'm not. I really, honestly hate those books.

So this didn't help me much at all.


	2. A Shiny thing and a Whiny Sue

_First of all, thank you __all__ for your reviews. No, this isn't a blog. This isn't a rant, this is a story. I also would like to ask people to refrain from using chatspeak in any flames or reviews for any story. It makes you seem really uneducated and juvenile. I'm not posting it here for the hell of it, thanks for concerns, but this is a __**self-insert.**__ The prologue hardly fits that. It's a bloody FIFF. Falling Into Fan Fiction. And don't you worry, I'm not going to viciously attack Bella… because something will have happened. (Which is a right shame). I'm also one of the most easily distracted, klutzy, pale, and sarcastic people I've ever met. I also rarely soften the truth, which I find more of a credit. There is no way that I'd ever find Twilight even implied to be able to compare to Poe, Shakespeare, and Austen. I adore the fine arts and Twilight just doesn't fit that. I consider Poe to be my favourite author, not Lewis, not Rowling, and certainly not Meyer._

_Let me get this straight and down in writing: __**I have nothing against Twilight fans.**__ Some of my closest friends are fans, honestly, and most of my friends think Doctor Who is incredibly stupid and pointless. I just have a problem with the books themselves and the lady that wrote them._

_And also, I __**do**__ have a blog. It's linked to on my profile._

_So obviously, as a disclaimer: I own only myself and a sonic screwdriver._

_

* * *

_Shiny. I'd always been attracted to shiny things. I tell my friends that I'm part squirrel. Sparkly? Not so much. My sister used to use a lot of glitter when she was younger, and I don't get on with her very well… so sparkles are bad.

I couldn't wait to go to France. I'd wanted to go for ages, and Normandy… we were visiting the landing beach! That was probably the most exciting thing for me. And the museum. I wanted to go to the museum shop. I like the little shops.

I spotted something shiny in the woods. I was walking on the train tracks a few days before I was supposed to leave on the class trip to France. The tracks run behind my neighborhood, and right near a small wood. And I saw a shiny. I was acting like Jessica, honestly, chasing after shiny things. But, dammit, I saw a shiny and I wanted to know what it was! Jessicripple (since she'd broken her knee and was therefore, as I'd dubbed her, a cripple in the sense that she needed to use the elevator at school, couldn't walk much, and fell more than usual) would have done the same. That's not really a condolence, looking back, because Jessicripple has always done really stupid things. (Jessicripple. You like that? My friend Jarrin made it up. He's brilliant.) One of Jessicripple's more flawed ideas was that I bring in my copy of _New Moon_ for her to borrow. She had rarely returned my books, but I didn't care about Twilight, so I consented when Jessicripple had asked me. But the problem was that the cripple wasn't in school, I had French and English homework, and that Breaking Dawn was seriously weighing down my backpack. And to top it all off, I saw a shiny in the woods.

I went towards the shiny. In the chaos that is my mind, parallel universe jumpers, Portkeys, and rings made from the dust of Atlantis were the only things coming to mind. That, and shiny. I have ADHD.

Honestly, part of me hoped it was a universe jumper. I'd fail if I wound up in the Wood Between Worlds, and I'd really fail if I wound up at Hogwarts or some mainly-magical place. Plus, if this led to the Doctor's Parallel…

I really have problems.

I approached the shiny with caution. I still had no idea what the hell it was, and I had a strange urge to poke it. Looking down on it, it was a key.

How bloody anticlimactic. A key. Oh, hell, why a key of all things? It couldn't be an exciting shiny… no, it had to be a _key_! I prodded it with the tip of my boot. It seemed safe to touch. So I poked it. Nothing happened. But then I had an epiphany! That old abandoned shed type thing a few yards yonder, with Fuck You and things of a similar nature spray painted on. Ooh, I could see if that would unlock, because that neighbor kid said that it was locked. But now I had a shiny key.

I picked it up and tried to find that damn shed.

Unfortunately, I hadn't _seen_ the shed since said neighbor kid has shown it to me two years ago. Rawr.

So I wandered about, and then I wondered why I hadn't left that tiny little wood-type-area and hit the field-type-area with the intersection that led to that one highway.

I tripped over a root that I hadn't seen, and I grabbed the trunk of a tree for support without looking and felt something slimy. I looked to see a huge yellow slug.

"Aw, sorry little dude," I said, after making sure that I hadn't squished the poor slug. It looked familiar… that's it! It's a banana slug!

…But the last time I'd seen a banana slug was in Olympic National Park. My dad and I were in Forks, Washington, then, and there were banana slugs there…. But not here. They were west coast slugs... and they lived in rainforests.

(So, uhm, Bella Swan? It's a rainforest near your house, not just some random forest. Dumb ass.)

I blinked. It had gotten… greener. There was a banana slug, it smelled nice, and it was green. That and I heard some random person talking. So obviously I wasn't in the kind-of-wood by my house. Damn.

The person was definitely not from near where I lived.

"Oi! Er, hullo."

The figure turned around and I saw a girl with dark hair, dark eyes, and pale skin. Her skin was paler than mine! She was bundled in layers of coats and raincoats, and upon seeing this I couldn't help but make a smart remark.

"Uhm, you? Yeah, it's not cold and it's not raining. What are you, an idiot? What is it, fucking March? And you're all bundled up like we're in bloody Alaska!"

"There's still snow, you know," the chick said in a low voice.

"And I'm wearing a hoodie and a tee-shirt and jeans and combat boots. And believe me. This isn't cold. Where the fuck am I, anyway?"

"You're in Forks? Washington?"

"Aw, fuck."

"It sucks here, I know," the chick said.

"No, not that. I quite like it in Washington, honestly. Way better than San Diego, anyway. It fails because I'm supposed to go to fucking France in three days, leaving from Philidelphia."

The chick, still walking tripped over a random root, like I had. But she landed on her face, unlike me. _That_ was funny.

I snorted. "Walk much, dumb ass?"

"Hey, you don't even know me! And how old are you, thirteen?"

"Fifteen, thanks for asking. And what about you? You're in junior high, aren't you, a brain as slow as yours…?"

She glared at me.

"Aw, are you going to go crying to your mummy?" I mock whined. This was fun. I wondered if I might even make her cry. She was looking more unsure by the minute. Ha, mess with me, call me thirteen. And say that rain sucks. She's paler than I am! That's a feat!

"Who are you?"

"Who are _you_?" I countered.

"Bella."

"Last name, Bella?" What was she, an idiot? Of course, I'd never known or read a Bella to be smart. Ever. It's kind of sad, really. Almost like the name carries some curse.

"Swan."

"Oh, you are fucking kidding me!" I yelled. "Of all the fucking series to FIFF, I _had_ to FIFF this one!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I want the Doctor! I want Jack! He'd save me! Oh, and Rose, because her chavvy Sue totally owns this chick's whiny emo Sue. Oh, and Neville… just cos he's awesome like that. And Edmund. Fuck it, I want _Edmund!_"

She looked at me like I was crazy. I probably shouldn't have shouted that, in retrospect. But I rarely have good foresight.

"You're lost, aren't you, Sue?"

"My name's Bella."

"Sure it is," I said, rolling my eyes. "Now, how old are you?"

"Seventeen."

"And there's a Reservation nearby, yeah, know anyone who has a phone I could call?"

"No… I mean, I know some people, but they're not going to call to Philidelphia."

"You fail," I said simply. "Who is this person?"

"Jake- Jacob. Why? And what's your name?"

"Skittles."

"This isn't funny. Tell me your name!"

Whiny. That didn't tell me anything; that could be any book… _Twilight, New Moon_… what were the other ones? I grabbed the book out of my backpack. Fuck it, it was blank. Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck. I was in _New Moon_. I had to be, or else I'd remember something other than Jasper not being in it. Rawr that fails.

"I told you, I'm Skittles."

"Seriously."

Jackie would probably get mad that I was using her nickname, and saying to a complete Sue no less… so… "My name's Rawr. Captain Rawr Peterson."

She glared at me. "That's not your real name."

I hissed at her. Yep, like a cat. I didn't like her. "I'm Willis."

"This isn't funny."

Yeah, Jordan might kill me, too. She and I weren't even really friends. Er… "Sponge."

"Just tell me your name!"

"What is it to you? Really, are you that pathetic that you run into some random chick in what is a _rain_forest, and you throw a fit so that she'll tell you her name?"

"Just tell me your name."

"Lindsey Way."

"Way? That's not even a last name."

_Now_ I was offended. "It totally is! Have you ever heard of My Chemical Romance? Gerard and Mikey Way? And it's Scottish in origin."

"Just tell me your name."

"I want to talk to my lawyer!"

"All I–"

"I object!" I shouted.

"Look, just–"

"Fish are friends, not food!"

"I want–"

"You can fix a Chameleon Circuit by hotwiring the fragment links and superseding the binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary–!" I gasped. "I'm okay, it's all right."

She stared at me. Then she turned around and walked in the opposite direction. I looked down to see a trail. Well, that was a plus. It was also awesome that Bella was walking away from it.

"Oi! Bella Swan! You're leaving the trail!"

"I don't care!" I heard her yell back.

That's what I get for trying to be nice and telling her that she was going to get herself lost. Well, I sighed, it wasn't my problem. Bella Swan could be an idiot if she wanted to. I, on the other hand, having an estimated IQ of _above_ one hundred, followed the trail till I reached the end of the rainforest to find… a beach.

You have got to be kidding me! I hate beaches! They're bad omens, unless it's the dead of winter and dark out.

There was also… Kalaloch Lodge! Ooh, I'd been there. And see, I told you I'd been to Forks. I wasn't lying.

…Now the problem was getting _out_ of Forks.


	3. Werewolves are better than Zombies

_Author's Note: _A very short chapter, but it's definitely a filler.

**Disclaimer #1:** _Twilight, New Moon,_ Jacob Black, and Bella Swan are the property of Stephenie Meyer and NOT me. Otherwise Bella would be dead and Edward wouldn't be abusive.

**Disclaimer #2:** Psychic Paper and any other _Doctor Who_ references are the property of the BBC. Though I do have my own toy Sonic Screwdriver and fake Psychic Paper.

**Disclaimer #3:** Chapter title credits belong to Alex Carpenter and his band The Remus Lupins, and their song Werewolves Zombies from the _Siriusly Smiling_ collab album.

* * *

It hit me suddenly: I was in Forks, Washington. It didn't matter that I knew where the Kalaloch Lodge was, or that I knew that I was in _New Moon_, and I knew that I would probably get out, because that's how every FiFF ended that I'd ever read.

It was that, in the meantime, I had no place to say; I'd just pissed Bella Swan off, and everyone here _loved_ her, so that was just… bad.

After all, I couldn't just go into the lodge and say: "Oh, hey everyone, I just fell into a fictional world and don't know how I'll get back! Can anyone offer me a place to stay until then?"

I could hitchhike and pray to God that I didn't get raped or mutilated or killed like in those horror movies. I should _really_ stop watching those.

Still, it was my best bet. I decided against literally hitchhiking, so I resigned to walking randomly down the main road.

I wandered to the main road and began walking.

It wasn't five minutes later that a car pulled over, next to me.

"You look lost."

I turned to see a boy who can't have been much older than me, and that I supposed was Native American.

"Yeah, a bit."

"Need a ride? I'm Jake."

_Jake?_ Jacob _Black_, Jake?

"I'm Lindsey," I said, using my former alias. I remembered my psychic paper in my sweatshirt pocket and grabbed it, figuring that if it didn't work, the worst that would happen is that he thought that I was crazy.

I pulled it out, showing it to him, and began talking.

"I'm an intern investigative reporter for a webzine in London, doing a report on American public high schools." I was mainly pleased that my habit of unconsciously speaking with an English-style accent had decided to make a reprise.

"How old are you?" he asked suspiciously.

Well, it was worth a shot. "Seventeen."

A girl at a college that I was visiting once had asked me what I was majoring in. So I was hoping it worked this time.

"Really?"

"Yes. I'm a journalism major in uni. I was asked if I'd like to do this because I look young enough. My alias age is fifteen…" Just in case Bella Swan came about, which I was sure that she would. "And," I added, "I was supposed to stay with a host family, but they phoned me to say that they were in Italy for vacation and had forgotten, and my boss was going to send me money through them, since I'm a student and don't have that much money… so now I'm out of a place to stay and I have no money to get a plane ticket back to London."

And if he got me a plane ticket to London, I could just try to find the Doctor.

"You could probably stay with me and my dad."

"Seriously?"

"Sure, sure."

"You're not mass murderers or anything of that sort, are you?"

"Of course not," he said. "I do live on the Rez… La Push."

"That's perfectly fine with me, I just need somewhere to stay."

"Where's your luggage?"

"It was sent ahead," I fabricated quickly. "And so I've got no clothes either, but that's not a big deal…"

He raised an eyebrow. "I'll see if one of my friends' sisters will loan you something to wear. Where are you going?"

"Going? For the report? Forks High School. They figure that it's a small town and all, so it would be better than a huge school. Rubbish, I say. I'd have loved to have gone to New York City instead, because I've heard that this is a freakishly small high school, so people will notice the new kid _more_."

He laughed. "Yeah, that's true. Well, why don't you get in, and I'll ask my dad. If he says no, then I'll help you find someplace to stay anyway."

I smiled as I got into the car. I knew that I'd always liked Jacob Black for a reason.


End file.
